Endings

I really need to do this...

but I don't like to give up on things.

 Sometimes you just have to let go

of the things that you promised 

you would never let go of.

This blog is one.

I thought before that I would write on here 

and take photos and love to share

forever, 

but now it has become a part of my life 

that I can no longer keep up with-

I have a store

I have a job

I have too much to do

So I have to let this go...

The other part of my life that has just ended 

is too painful to write about here...

It was a promise I made until death

but I had to let go...

doors close

doors open

The One who said

"I am the door" is the only One

who remains ever true and faithful

and who never breaks His promises.

That is how I want to end my blogging

years, with my hand on the Door.

thank you to all of you have followed 

along on this journey

Be blessed in Christ alone.

Karen

December

"December is Christmas...

With each setting of the sun,

 and the rising and setting of the moon 

and stars in the dark sky, the wonder grows.

 It is not so much in color as in absence of color, 

less in sound than in absence of sound, 

not at all in fragrance but in absence of fragrance;

 that is of the earthly color, sound and fragrance. 

Each day there seems less of all that has been familiar

 in the earlier months of the year, 

and more that is new though not strange.

 Gradually the world becomes another place, 

suffused by gentle radiance, 

cupped in innocence and infinite wisdom, 

carried aloft by unseen winds which bear it

 closer and closer to the Source of all wonder."

Gladys Hasty Carroll

October

October is age regal and triumphant, 

the impartial judge on the bench,

 the dowager duchess, wise, strong, 

and in excellent health, 

bearing easily the weight of velvet robes 

which change with shifting light from deep blue

 to plum color and crimson,

 of heavy chains, heavy pins, 

heavy rings all of gold, 

all of the great keys which this month

 is the keeper of the coin of the realm

 secreted in the robe's capacious pockets."

Gladys Hasty Carroll

September

"September is a banner of soft purple 

and metallic gold proudly 

suspended across the sky...

The sand y roads are bordered deep 

in goldenrod and wild asters.

Sweet apples and Porters are yellow

 in the orchards and blue

pearmains are ripening.

 Maple trees are touched with yellow

 from the first frost.

Pumpkins are drawn by the cartload 

from the fields and stacked beside the barn."

Gladys Hasty Carroll

August (A Little Late)

"August is hot. Opulent, tired, thirsty, hot...

She asks no questions about the purpose of life,

is heavy with answers as a cow with milk

 coming up the pasture lane at days end.

 A child is to play and get into mischief

 and do his chores and eat and sleep and grow...

August is the meeting place of the currents of the year.

She feels the meeting within her,

the waters from many directions 

surging into a mighty eddy;

but she is not shaken by it, 

encompasses it calmly

 as she carried her children to full term 

despite their struggles to find a way out

 of the pocket in which she held them

 until it was time for them to go.

She is even faintly amused by the surging

 and eddying as she was by the struggles of her unborn."

Gladys Hasty Carroll

July

"July is the beginning of the year's prime of life...

The long days roll by on greased axles,

laden with tall grass, new-cut and drying in the sun,

the corn knee-high and ready for hoeing,

potatoes, squashes and pumpkins in bloom,

sweet peas climbing up chicken wire to cover the shed wall

with pink, white, red and lavender,

pond lilies starring every spring-fed pool of water

and filling a washtub under the dooryard tree.

The nights are short and the dark is thin and soft,

a-twinkle with  fireflies,

heavy with the heat of the sun 

which has scarcely gone down

when the east begins to brighten,

and rich with the smell of fruit and flowers and swamp

and the sea on the other side of the mountain."

Gladys Hasty Carroll

Chairs with a Story

I was asked by a lovely young bride to redo the seats

on some chairs her parents had given her for

her first apartment with her groom.

The chairs had been in her parents attic.

 So I took off the old seats, tightened the rickety

spindles and legs and recovered them.

I used a monogram that she had on her wedding invite

and put that on the seat.

When the brides mom saw them she told how

once upon a time when she was getting married

she and her groom found these chairs 

at a garage sale and proudly brought them

 to their very first apartment.

They didn't mind that they were a little bedraggled

because they were THEIRS!

Isn't that the neatest thing?

I'm so glad I got to be part of the story...

June

"All the smells of winter are washed away 

by the flood tide of the perfumes of June--

an incomparable blend of a thousand flowers

 caressed by the sun, 

of fruit springing from bud in the orchard,

 of roots thickening in loose, rich soil, 

of sea turn, swamp mist, running brooks,

 birch and pine. 

The outdoors comes in and there is no indoors...

Small children, barefoot, roam at will,

 wading brooks, peering into muskrat holes,

feeding small birds in the hollows of trees, 

following woods trails, digging sand banks. 

Women's fingers are pink-stained at night

from the picking and hulling

 which bring strawberry short-cake to the table."

Gladys Hasty Carroll

How Many Miracles?

How many miracles can we ask God for? 

Is there a limit to His mercy

and His grace?

If we ask do we expect to receive what

our minds think is best or what God thinks is best?

These are the questions I have been thinking

a lot about in the past few months and 

especially tonight as our church

faces another night of prayer.

Our Pastor has gone into surgery

for a liver transplant...and we wait

with anxious hearts and prayers for 

just one more miracle!

In his family we have prayed for a 

miracle of release from drug addiction

and his son has been clean over 2 years...

in his family we prayed for his other son

to survive leukemia, pancreatitis,

pain med withdrawal, broken tibia,

ongoing healing...

He has made it 2 years in remission despite

all the complications.

For our pastor we prayed that his liver cancer 

would be healed,

and tonight he gets a new liver...

if God wills it to be so and all goes well.

How many miracles can we ask for

 in one family? 

I don't know-- but what I do know is that there

are no limits set for us in His Word.

He makes it plain that we ought to pray and

ask without ceasing, with faith and in His will.

We should pray even if our faith is as small 

as a mustard seed and He will do

as we ask...according to His will.

So tonight I ask He who knows best for

 just one MORE miracle,

for this family that I have come to know 

and love in such a special way.

I love you Pastor H and Family

2 Years

Today was a hard day-again.

It was Logan's funeral day.

And it is a day that stands alone in the halls

of pain in my own life.

2 years ago today my husband left for rehab

in CA and from that point on we have 

been separated.

He chose to live in bondage to a substance

and I chose to remove myself from the daily pain

and chaos that had been my life for 10 years

before that day.

This was before...trying so hard to make life

better and easier so he could maintain

sobriety and live a happy life.

This is now...living alone and trying so hard to make 

life better and easier for myself

so I can maintain joy filled, godly living

and be content.

Did I make the right decision?

Did I do enough?

Do I know what the future holds?

Will addiction rob me and my children of 

the man we all love?

These are the hard and unanswerable questions

that I face each and every day.

When I think I am okay and things are better

then something comes along that brings it

all into sharp focus again and I realize

afresh that the pain still hurts just as much,

the tears are just as bitter

and the wound still is not healed.

But...

Gods faithfulness and grace meets me

every day fresh and real,

His love tenderly pours the Balm of Gilead

into my wounded heart and it IS enough

to face each day, not the future with

it's fears and sorrows, but for today.

I will trust that He who says He came to bring 

life abundant means what He says!

Silent Sorrow

This is an extremely difficult subject

that I am addressing in this post.

My heart is full of tears.

Another dear and precious friend lost

her 24 year old son this week-

but he did not go from joy to joy.

He was on a silent and sorrowful path and 

it ended in a silent and sorrowful 

passing-suicide.

The reason I know this friend in such 

a deep and personal way was that we

share the terrible path of watching someone we love

fall ever further into addiction.

I tried to walk the journey along side her as they tried 

to save him from the slide downwards.

There were many times that I hugged her

and felt her shaking with tears and many

times she hugged me and let me cry.

We didn't do things the same, it was her son 

and I am dealing with a spouse, but we

understood how the other felt, the fear

and the pain and the anger and the rage and 

the fierce love and the aching misery.

We walked silently together many times in sorrow.

I look back and think was there ANYTHING I could have

done differently or better to help him,

but it never pays to look back unless we

can learn from it in some way.

This is what I know-

Logan believed in Jesus

he was in terrible bondage to a substance

he couldn't bear the pain

he is Home.

Beyond that I cannot say anything that

I know for sure.

And when I saw her that terrible morning

not one word came from my mouth,

I could only sit by her and hold her hand 

and weep in silent sorrow.

I love you family of Logan

From Joy to Joy

It has been a difficult week to find

the words or interest to write anything here.

My dear friend, since my single days,

lost her first grand child

in a tragic farming accident.

Her daughter posts at 

Whispers of Joy

He was 5.

His life was joy,

each day was full of all the special

delights of childhood.

He didn't get a terrible sickness

that brought him to this place.

He simply went from joy here

to joy there.

That is not the way it feels,

the pain all who love him feel

is incomprehensible.

But for him he never had to know

that life is hard and people hurt you 

and loved ones don't love Jesus,

and the world can be a bad and scary place.

He just passed from joy

to JOY.

and that is amazing.

I love you, family of Skyler.

Holy Week 2014

This year I have been reading through 

the Bible in Chronological order-

amazing and eye opening!

At the start of this Holy Week

leading up to that most glorious event

Resurrection Sunday,

I had been stumbling along through

the prophet Zechariah, feeling depressed

by the dire warnings and the heedless

captive Jews. 

Then right in the middle of this a verse leapt off

the page and brought an instant surge of tears.

""then they will look on Me whom they pierced. 

Yes, they will mourn for him

 as one mourns for his only son, 

and grieve for Him as one grieves for a firstborn."

And then a few verses later

"In that day a fountain shall be opened for...sin 

and for uncleanness. "

And then 

"And one shall say unto him, 

what are these wounds in thine hands?

 then shall he answer,

 those with which I was wounded

 in the house of my friends."

I bow the knees of my heart and worship

the One whom my soul loves

and who gave His all in the 

"house of His friends"

that I might look on Him who I pierced

and be cleansed in that Fountain

from all my sin and uncleanness.

The Country Life

For the past 25 years I have lived in the country-

treed lot, then wide open spaces with view of hills,

then wide open field with view of mountains.

For all my growing up years from when I can remember

 until I was 18, I lived in the country

 with the closest town consisting of

a small convenience store, an auto shop,

 school and 3 churches.

Today I drove out into the country over rolling 

hills, around swells and curves past barns

and fields. The sky was blue and the 

day was lovely,

but I wept...

I have tried so hard to like and be happy in 

town, to look out my window and see buildings

and railroad tracks and people passing

my home on the sidewalk.

But I am a country girl who loves nature

and the open sweetness of acres of 

space to breathe. 

And I weep...

 for the hard reality of 

what I have had to give up because

of the bad choices others have made

and the choice I made to leave, that I knew was

healthier than to stay.

I am blessed to have a home, a yard,

in a safe neighborhood, and I try to 

be thankful for it each and every day

But today I wept for what I love most

and deep in my soul I crave, the country life.

Will there be fields of wildflowers and waving grass 

in heaven? Will the breezes there smell of raspberries

just over the fence? Will I have time to walk 

quietly alone there? Will the river of Life

be as lovely as the rivers here? 

Will the tears I weep here be forgotten there?

I wait and I hope....

Best Old Friends

When I moved into my new house this past week

I finally was able to unpack my boxes of books

that have not been opened for a year and a half.

As I pulled them out to put on shelves

I found myself saying "Hello, old friends!"

and feeling a joyful coziness come over me.

And that shows how much of a book lover I am!

I can taste like it was yesterday the cold popsicle

against my tongue and feel the tingle of excitement

as I see the title "Castle of Adventure".

I can hear the rain pouring down in tropical bursts

as I see the title "The #1 Ladies Detective Agency".

I can feel elation and the cramped quarters of 

a long car ride when I see the title

"Trixie Belden and the Black Jacket mystery"

 I can smell the sweet aroma of baking bread

as I see the title "At home in Mitford"

and I can see the blue sky wheeling in great 

robins egg arcs as I see the title 

"Summer in Fairacre".

I wish everyone could love books the way I do,

it just makes life so much more wonderful.

"A mind needs a book like a sword needs a whetstone."

G. Martin

March

"March is the daybreak hour of the year. 

The face of the earth is still dark but the shadow is lifting....

In the air itself we feel, smell, taste, see a change

 as delicate and tentative as it is undeniable and certain.

 Though hurled against us by the wind,

 its touch is as soft as the wing tips of angels. 

It's ethereal warmth, too slight for registry 

on the thermometer, seeps through our heavy clothing. 

Its fragrance has no name,

 being not from anything that is,

 but from all that is to come...

March brings a silent ecstasy, a still excitement

matched only by that of a woman 

suddenly pausing, hushed, incredulous,

yet sure she feels the first faint, 

fluttering motion of a longed-for child."

Gladys Hasty Carroll

January

"January is on a blackboard covered 

almost entirely in white by a soft crayon 

of schoolhouse chalk used on its side

 in bold powerful fingers. 

The board had been scrubbed clean,

 to start with, and uncovered lines and spaces 

which form the crude pattern stand out glistening, 

three-dimensional, and move toward you,

 gathering you in.

The still month."

Gladys Hasty Carroll

13 Things I Learned in 2013

I saw this idea on another blog

and thought it a really cool way to 

close out the year.

13 things I learned in 2013

1. Parents are irreplaceable

2. Joy can come even when there is sorrow

3. Detaching is possible

4. You can learn to be financially savvy at any age

5. Sisters are the best

6. A brother is the best

7. Crying in public is OK

8. A church can be a care center for the hurting

9. Eating too many burgers and fries leads to weight gain

10. Living in town is doable for a country girl

11. Pop is not a good substitute for water

12. Being transparent helps other people to be also

13. Friends who listen & pray are the hands and feet
of Jesus

That's quite a list to learn in one year!

I feel like its been time well spent.

Anyone else feel like posting on their blog

what they've learned?

Aging and Acceptance

Exhausted...

so tired...

looking forward to bed...

worn out...

had it up to here...

For some reason those kind of phrases

seem to litter my conversations these last few

days. This morning I told my sons that I feel

every minute of my 50 years today.

Sometimes everything hurts, 

my feet, my hands, my shoulders, my head

and my heart.

When I saw this picture taken on Christmas day

I felt ashamed of how old I look next to these fresh little 

souls. It took me several days to process 

and this morning I just had to accept that I have survived 

a very sad, painful and stress filled year,

if I look older than a year ago, it is no wonder.

I had to let go of my dad, my mom, 

and the love and support that had been my anchor all my life,

 the home I grew up in,
my brother-in-law,

my hopes for reconciliation in my marriage,

the company I was part of for 20+ years,

my house of 13 years, along with accepting an aging and growing

heavier body, a tired spirit and a weary soul.

The prayers I once prayed with such fervor, I no

longer feel right in praying for surely God

must have other ways to heal than what I have asked.

The hopes I once had grow more dim as each day

goes by and looking ahead requires a faith

I often cannot achieve.

This is where I stand today, it is not what I would choose

nor what I may feel is best for me

HOWEVER

God must feel that it is best, He must see that

this path is where I will grow less like me and more

like Him and I quote the song that Twila Paris

sang many years ago

"This is where I stand until He moves me on

and I will listen to His voice.

Could it be that He is waiting just to see

 if I will learn to love the dreams

 that He has dreamed for me?

Can't imagine what the future holds, 

but I've already made my choice, 

This is where I stand until He moves me on

and I will listen to His voice."

I felt the need today to share my "real" self

and perhaps to gain a little perspective

from the writing of it. I don't want to make

myself out to be miserable all the time

for surely this year has been joy in the midst

of it all and I have chosen joy above and 

beyond all else, but this is my heart today. 

Thanks for listening....

The Gift

When we have been around the Bible

and it's wonder all our lives,

we sometimes become jaded and familiar

with its stories.

Sad, but true, for we have been

graced with the opportunity

to immerse in it like very few do in our

fallen world.

Every year at Christmas I ask

God to please help me to see it fresh

and new again, this old, old story,

and each year He gives me

what I have asked.

This year it was through a brand new

Christian, who came to know Jesus

two weeks ago!

Her observations and questions

about Christmas and its' story

brought a spark of light into

the season for me.

She saw in it's simple words

profound truths, 

which she stated very bluntly with no 

flowery "church speak".

In Joseph and Mary and their visions/dreams

she saw faith lived out.
In the shepherds how unmerited grace truly is. 

In the Wise men she saw foolishness

that they would actually go ask King Herod!

In their gifts she saw why we give gifts at 

Christmas time,

and in the flight to Egypt she saw

the liberation of Israel from slavery there.

Let us too bow down and worship with fresh

and simple faith that does not have to develop

over time but is whole from the moment we

realize that Christ is a gift to us personally!

A BLESSED CHRISTMAS TO ALL!