Aging and Acceptance

Exhausted...

so tired...

looking forward to bed...

worn out...

had it up to here...

For some reason those kind of phrases

seem to litter my conversations these last few

days. This morning I told my sons that I feel

every minute of my 50 years today.

Sometimes everything hurts, 

my feet, my hands, my shoulders, my head

and my heart.

When I saw this picture taken on Christmas day

I felt ashamed of how old I look next to these fresh little 

souls. It took me several days to process 

and this morning I just had to accept that I have survived 

a very sad, painful and stress filled year,

if I look older than a year ago, it is no wonder.

I had to let go of my dad, my mom, 

and the love and support that had been my anchor all my life,

 the home I grew up in,
my brother-in-law,

my hopes for reconciliation in my marriage,

the company I was part of for 20+ years,

my house of 13 years, along with accepting an aging and growing

heavier body, a tired spirit and a weary soul.

The prayers I once prayed with such fervor, I no

longer feel right in praying for surely God

must have other ways to heal than what I have asked.

The hopes I once had grow more dim as each day

goes by and looking ahead requires a faith

I often cannot achieve.

This is where I stand today, it is not what I would choose

nor what I may feel is best for me

HOWEVER

God must feel that it is best, He must see that

this path is where I will grow less like me and more

like Him and I quote the song that Twila Paris

sang many years ago

"This is where I stand until He moves me on

and I will listen to His voice.

Could it be that He is waiting just to see

 if I will learn to love the dreams

 that He has dreamed for me?

Can't imagine what the future holds, 

but I've already made my choice, 

This is where I stand until He moves me on

and I will listen to His voice."

I felt the need today to share my "real" self

and perhaps to gain a little perspective

from the writing of it. I don't want to make

myself out to be miserable all the time

for surely this year has been joy in the midst

of it all and I have chosen joy above and 

beyond all else, but this is my heart today. 

Thanks for listening....