Endings

I really need to do this...

but I don't like to give up on things.

 Sometimes you just have to let go

of the things that you promised 

you would never let go of.

This blog is one.

I thought before that I would write on here 

and take photos and love to share

forever, 

but now it has become a part of my life 

that I can no longer keep up with-

I have a store

I have a job

I have too much to do

So I have to let this go...

The other part of my life that has just ended 

is too painful to write about here...

It was a promise I made until death

but I had to let go...

doors close

doors open

The One who said

"I am the door" is the only One

who remains ever true and faithful

and who never breaks His promises.

That is how I want to end my blogging

years, with my hand on the Door.

thank you to all of you have followed 

along on this journey

Be blessed in Christ alone.

Karen

2 Years

Today was a hard day-again.

It was Logan's funeral day.

And it is a day that stands alone in the halls

of pain in my own life.

2 years ago today my husband left for rehab

in CA and from that point on we have 

been separated.

He chose to live in bondage to a substance

and I chose to remove myself from the daily pain

and chaos that had been my life for 10 years

before that day.

This was before...trying so hard to make life

better and easier so he could maintain

sobriety and live a happy life.

This is now...living alone and trying so hard to make 

life better and easier for myself

so I can maintain joy filled, godly living

and be content.

Did I make the right decision?

Did I do enough?

Do I know what the future holds?

Will addiction rob me and my children of 

the man we all love?

These are the hard and unanswerable questions

that I face each and every day.

When I think I am okay and things are better

then something comes along that brings it

all into sharp focus again and I realize

afresh that the pain still hurts just as much,

the tears are just as bitter

and the wound still is not healed.

But...

Gods faithfulness and grace meets me

every day fresh and real,

His love tenderly pours the Balm of Gilead

into my wounded heart and it IS enough

to face each day, not the future with

it's fears and sorrows, but for today.

I will trust that He who says He came to bring 

life abundant means what He says!

The Country Life

For the past 25 years I have lived in the country-

treed lot, then wide open spaces with view of hills,

then wide open field with view of mountains.

For all my growing up years from when I can remember

 until I was 18, I lived in the country

 with the closest town consisting of

a small convenience store, an auto shop,

 school and 3 churches.

Today I drove out into the country over rolling 

hills, around swells and curves past barns

and fields. The sky was blue and the 

day was lovely,

but I wept...

I have tried so hard to like and be happy in 

town, to look out my window and see buildings

and railroad tracks and people passing

my home on the sidewalk.

But I am a country girl who loves nature

and the open sweetness of acres of 

space to breathe. 

And I weep...

 for the hard reality of 

what I have had to give up because

of the bad choices others have made

and the choice I made to leave, that I knew was

healthier than to stay.

I am blessed to have a home, a yard,

in a safe neighborhood, and I try to 

be thankful for it each and every day

But today I wept for what I love most

and deep in my soul I crave, the country life.

Will there be fields of wildflowers and waving grass 

in heaven? Will the breezes there smell of raspberries

just over the fence? Will I have time to walk 

quietly alone there? Will the river of Life

be as lovely as the rivers here? 

Will the tears I weep here be forgotten there?

I wait and I hope....

Best Old Friends

When I moved into my new house this past week

I finally was able to unpack my boxes of books

that have not been opened for a year and a half.

As I pulled them out to put on shelves

I found myself saying "Hello, old friends!"

and feeling a joyful coziness come over me.

And that shows how much of a book lover I am!

I can taste like it was yesterday the cold popsicle

against my tongue and feel the tingle of excitement

as I see the title "Castle of Adventure".

I can hear the rain pouring down in tropical bursts

as I see the title "The #1 Ladies Detective Agency".

I can feel elation and the cramped quarters of 

a long car ride when I see the title

"Trixie Belden and the Black Jacket mystery"

 I can smell the sweet aroma of baking bread

as I see the title "At home in Mitford"

and I can see the blue sky wheeling in great 

robins egg arcs as I see the title 

"Summer in Fairacre".

I wish everyone could love books the way I do,

it just makes life so much more wonderful.

"A mind needs a book like a sword needs a whetstone."

G. Martin

Busy Xs Three

It is crunch time...

3 houses being made ready all

at once, 2 move in dates for all 3

and me going back and forth between

them all, with new grand baby and paint

and cupboards the wrong color and 

redoing them and packing up treasures

and sore backs and refinishing furniture...

but as a friend pointed out to me today

God knows what we need and I am busy

right now in these good ways because

it holds back the sorrow and the pain.

Really, it eases, not holds back

for in the labor of helping my children in 

this way I bring back tender memories

of my own parents serving me, 

so they are closer and the loneliness

of single life fades away.

Table redo for my son

 Footstool redo 

New Year, New Starts are Possible

I'm stepping out into a new venture

this year.

I've been wanting to give it a try for awhile

 but just wasn't sure if that was

the direction I should head.

Now seems like the time.

This is my business card idea:)

I will see where it leads me!

13 Things I Learned in 2013

I saw this idea on another blog

and thought it a really cool way to 

close out the year.

13 things I learned in 2013

1. Parents are irreplaceable

2. Joy can come even when there is sorrow

3. Detaching is possible

4. You can learn to be financially savvy at any age

5. Sisters are the best

6. A brother is the best

7. Crying in public is OK

8. A church can be a care center for the hurting

9. Eating too many burgers and fries leads to weight gain

10. Living in town is doable for a country girl

11. Pop is not a good substitute for water

12. Being transparent helps other people to be also

13. Friends who listen & pray are the hands and feet
of Jesus

That's quite a list to learn in one year!

I feel like its been time well spent.

Anyone else feel like posting on their blog

what they've learned?

Aging and Acceptance

Exhausted...

so tired...

looking forward to bed...

worn out...

had it up to here...

For some reason those kind of phrases

seem to litter my conversations these last few

days. This morning I told my sons that I feel

every minute of my 50 years today.

Sometimes everything hurts, 

my feet, my hands, my shoulders, my head

and my heart.

When I saw this picture taken on Christmas day

I felt ashamed of how old I look next to these fresh little 

souls. It took me several days to process 

and this morning I just had to accept that I have survived 

a very sad, painful and stress filled year,

if I look older than a year ago, it is no wonder.

I had to let go of my dad, my mom, 

and the love and support that had been my anchor all my life,

 the home I grew up in,
my brother-in-law,

my hopes for reconciliation in my marriage,

the company I was part of for 20+ years,

my house of 13 years, along with accepting an aging and growing

heavier body, a tired spirit and a weary soul.

The prayers I once prayed with such fervor, I no

longer feel right in praying for surely God

must have other ways to heal than what I have asked.

The hopes I once had grow more dim as each day

goes by and looking ahead requires a faith

I often cannot achieve.

This is where I stand today, it is not what I would choose

nor what I may feel is best for me

HOWEVER

God must feel that it is best, He must see that

this path is where I will grow less like me and more

like Him and I quote the song that Twila Paris

sang many years ago

"This is where I stand until He moves me on

and I will listen to His voice.

Could it be that He is waiting just to see

 if I will learn to love the dreams

 that He has dreamed for me?

Can't imagine what the future holds, 

but I've already made my choice, 

This is where I stand until He moves me on

and I will listen to His voice."

I felt the need today to share my "real" self

and perhaps to gain a little perspective

from the writing of it. I don't want to make

myself out to be miserable all the time

for surely this year has been joy in the midst

of it all and I have chosen joy above and 

beyond all else, but this is my heart today. 

Thanks for listening....

Memory Bears

There were two little girls,

 taken young to heaven

who left us here to mourn them,

one at 3 and one at 7.

Gone to be with Jesus many years

apart,

but always and forever in their 

Mama's heart.

In boxes in a closet now that 

she is gone,

we find the memories packed with love 

and tears

and nighttime song.

From those sisters, one I never knew,

and one I saw go home

I chose a dress to keep them close 

and remind me of my mom,

who never ceased to long for them

through many many years. 

And from those little dresses came these

memory bears.

In memory of Pauline, age 3- the plaid bear

In memory of Janet, age 7- the blue bear

In memory of Mom who loved and never forgot

Lovingly and beautifully crafted by 

my dear cousin Emma.

She used the buttons, collars, lace and zipper

 along with the dress fabric.

( the embroidery on the feet was done by Janet 

on a piece of white fabric

and found in the boxes too)

Home

It has been a year of goodbyes,

both to people and places.

I have been sorting through memories

in another house, my own, where I spent 

the last 12 years.

We are selling it under difficult personal circumstances

and the sting of pain has come with every

box packed up and the tears roll for 

the memories and hopes I have to let go.

"Home"

Life teaches us of heaven

if we only watch and see

the pain here but reminders

of the place we'll someday be.

If I can yearn for earthly home

and cry for memories there

then how much more I look beyond

 the cross that's hard to bear.

The rooms may empty of the life

and the walls cry out my pain

but  I can see beyond and know

that heaven soon is gained.

I'll only travel- not so long

and the lights of Home I'll see

and stepping through that open door

what light and warmth there'll be!

Not only sweet familiar rooms

and loved ones gathered close

but the One who built my mansion there

will lead me to them both.

I cannot help my tears and grief

for all that might have been

but my eyes are on the open Door

and the One who lets me in.

Dear home, my home I say goodbye

the porch lights glimmer low

dear Home, my Home I watch and wait

for the glory light to glow!

By Karen Helmes 2013

Ode to an Empty House

"Ode to An Empty House"
in memory of my childhood home
and my parents who went to Glory this year


The house lies silent in the sun,

the sound of wind sighing in the 

trees no more.

I turn my key in the lock

and step inside the door.

Gleaming floors reflect filtered light

  no foot heard on the stairway treads,

  the stillness of an empty home.

The rail that felt a thousand childrens' hands

polished to a golden brown.

No Mama in the kitchen,

 no Daddy in his chair

the cupboard doors hide nothing now

there's empty shelves and bare.

Each step across this floor, 

hundreds of times each day

  the footsteps got slower over time

 but the love it yet remained.

Only silence in an empty house,

they've crossed the threshold o'er

and from here I cannot see them

standing on the other shore.

 The silence echoes a sad refrain 

 and empty rooms are all I have to see,

  the tears trace hot and salty pathways

and memories linger free.

Goodbye house,

 home of love and grace,

the walls would echo if they could

that God dwelt in this place.



(My childhood home, ready to sell
Beautiful memories available for free!
Anyone who buys this house will be blessed
I know! There's been so much love and goodness
and godliness here that the very walls breath it out.)

by Karen Helmes
2013

Joy Comes in the Morning

Sometimes we know that our heart is 

different than it was the day before

and sometimes we are surprised 

to find joy has returned without

our even realizing it...

and it is always the gentle

Holy Spirit 

who comes and blesses 

us with joy again.

Three Things I love about being a Mom

Thank you to Quiet Ramblings

for nominating me for this award.

Things I love about being a mom

1. Motherhood is the refiners fire that 

changes you from a spoiled girl

to a woman who would do anything on earth

to protect her child.

2. Motherhood helps you understand God's

love in a whole new way, unconditional love

and love given even when there is no  reason

on earth to give it...you give it anyway.

3. Motherhood proves once and for all

that there is nothing we can't do, my doctor

told me once that a mother could be the CEO 

of the biggest corporation and do it better

than any guy...and he is a guy!

I'm passing this award on to 

Orangerie

Kenj has so much real practical ideas

for raising kids as a home school mom,

I think you'll enjoy her take on it.

When Love Isn't Enough

As Valentines Day nears and all around

I see the hearts and "I love you" candy, 

I feel like it is time to address a very

personal issue that I have never 

spoken of in exact words on this blog.

Someone I love is an addict.

It is the most heart breaking thing

I have ever experienced, much harder than

 deaths of those I love.

Because when you love someone who

is in bondage to a substance,

Love isn't enough to save them

from it...

you can love someone with all you are 

and have, giving 150% to a relationship

and think that love will conquer all.

It does not.

For 10 years I thought love was enough

to change the direction of this person's life

and that if I just tried harder to love

in different ways then the battle would be won.

It is not won.

But what I have found is that the

 Love of Christ 

can give me what I need to live,

forgive, love from a distance,

care for others and even laugh 

and grow despite everything!

God's love is always enough.

And if the addict never changes,

I know it's not because I didn't love

enough, its because they

are not willing to love them self enough

to fully surrender

to the all encompassing

LOVE

that rules both earth and heaven.

A Bear on my Doorstep

I opened my back door today and

to my great surprise and delight

this is who was sitting there!

I was having a very sad day...

and this was the first thing that made

me break out in a big happy grin.

Thank you to whoever left this for me,

I assume that you know the story of

my stolen bear and blessed me with 

a new one...AND flowers!

If you didn't know that would be 

an amazing thing:)

God bless you for brightening up a 

tear filled day, God knew I needed to be

shown that I am loved:)

I want to look just like my Mom!

It's funny how when you are young

and people tell you "you look just like your mom!"

that it bugs you...then one day you look in the

mirror and a shock happens...!

You catch a glimpse of your mom!

And then a day comes when you love your Mom

so much and treasure every moment with her

and then you hope you DO look

just like her, because there's no one

on earth who is more beautiful than her.

I'm proud to look like you...

I love you, precious Mother of my heart!

Lucky Brand Inspiration and Questions

I like the Lucky Brand, but can't

justify the cost, so I used some fabric

that had the "look" 

and made a peasant style tunic.

The pattern is Simplicity 2310 

with some modifications.

Get to know me Questions
1. eye color? Blue/green
2. Real hair color? blond w/ LOTS of gray
3. Heritage? Finnish ancestry, Lutheran church
4. Shoes you wore today?
Naturalizer mary janes (see above)
5. My weakness? Sweets
6. My greatest fear? Snakes
7. Country I'd most like to visit? England
8. Fave Christmas song? Rose of Bethlehem
9. Perfect Pizza?
BLT with avocado at California Pizza Kitchen
10. Fave store? Ross
11. Do you like thunderstorms? No
12. What you would eat right now?
a non-gluten free croissant
13. Who is your favorite author? Jan Karon
14. What is the most exciting thing you have ever done?
Snorkeling in the middle of the ocean
15. Who do you most want to meet? Jesus

NOW I'd love to hear from you what your answers are!
Let me know if you do so I can check them out:)

Ode to My Favorite Food

I have to say it...I LOVE Peanut Butter!

On my bagel at breakfast,

in my hot chocolate,

in my cookies, candy and on my brownies,

and the best thing of all...

IN MY COFFEE!

At Brewed Awakening Coffee

I allow myself one 

Peanut Butter Coffee Cooler

a week 

and every rich and creamy sip is like

drinking all my fave things through a straw:)

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

This morning when I went into my bathroom

I found 5 of these little guys!

closet

sink

toilet

shower

drawer

By the 2nd one I was smiling

and by the 5th I was laughing:)

That was a pretty clever way for my guy

to say those hard words!

Love Yourself

For the 3rd week of the "All Four Love"

photo challenge @Musings of a Creative Life

the theme was "Love Yourself"

I chose my hands, for several reasons...

I don't have attractive hands,

but they "are" my Mother's hands,

so they are easier to love the older I get!

They are hands that have cuddled, loved

and raised 5 children to adulthood,

held the hands of the dying,

nursed the sick,

folded in prayer,

hugged the hurting,

scrubbed and painted,

sewed and cooked...

they are worth learning to love.