Saturday, December 28, 2013

Aging and Acceptance

so tired...
looking forward to bed...
worn out...
had it up to here...
For some reason those kind of phrases
seem to litter my conversations these last few
days. This morning I told my sons that I feel
every minute of my 50 years today.
Sometimes everything hurts, 
my feet, my hands, my shoulders, my head
and my heart.
When I saw this picture taken on Christmas day

I felt ashamed of how old I look next to these fresh little 
souls. It took me several days to process 
and this morning I just had to accept that I have survived 
a very sad, painful and stress filled year,
if I look older than a year ago, it is no wonder.
I had to let go of my dad, my mom, 
and the love and support that had been my anchor all my life,
 the home I grew up in,
my brother-in-law,
my hopes for reconciliation in my marriage,
the company I was part of for 20+ years,
my house of 13 years, along with accepting an aging and growing
heavier body, a tired spirit and a weary soul.
The prayers I once prayed with such fervor, I no
longer feel right in praying for surely God
must have other ways to heal than what I have asked.
The hopes I once had grow more dim as each day
goes by and looking ahead requires a faith
I often cannot achieve.
This is where I stand today, it is not what I would choose
nor what I may feel is best for me
God must feel that it is best, He must see that
this path is where I will grow less like me and more
like Him and I quote the song that Twila Paris
sang many years ago
"This is where I stand until He moves me on
and I will listen to His voice.
Could it be that He is waiting just to see
 if I will learn to love the dreams
 that He has dreamed for me?
Can't imagine what the future holds, 
but I've already made my choice, 
This is where I stand until He moves me on
and I will listen to His voice."

I felt the need today to share my "real" self
and perhaps to gain a little perspective
from the writing of it. I don't want to make
myself out to be miserable all the time
for surely this year has been joy in the midst
of it all and I have chosen joy above and 
beyond all else, but this is my heart today. 
Thanks for listening....


  1. Karen, I think you are absolutely beautiful! Before reading what you thought, I was amazed at how young you look in the photo of you with your grand babies!! You have such a joy on your face for all you have been through.

    If that doesn't help, maybe this will. I heard it recently..... "Getting old is the new thing, it's cool. Everyone's doing it!" So....join the club. :-)

    God bless you and continue to be your strength, joy, peace, comfort....everything you need!


    P.S. I just found your blog. Keep writing how you're really doing. It makes praying specifically a whole lot easier. :-)

  2. Love you sis and you look young and beautiful as always ... busy weekend but I will try to call you this week. Faith

  3. I can't imagine that any of this is visible to anybody with your young blonde appearance but what a hard year that has been. Wow. Kind of unbelievably hard. Nobody would blame you for many more moments of grief and tiredness. Thinking of you often and praying. :) kenj

  4. I think you shared your sorrow beautifully. It didn't sound like you were complaining, but rather praising God in the midst of your sorrow. You look very young and pretty. Enjoyed your honesty.

  5. when you love someone, you don't see them as old or young. You see them as the person you love! And when you love someone you don't love them because you think they are perfect, you love them in spite of thier imperfections.


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