looking forward to bed...
had it up to here...
For some reason those kind of phrases
seem to litter my conversations these last few
days. This morning I told my sons that I feel
every minute of my 50 years today.
Sometimes everything hurts,
my feet, my hands, my shoulders, my head
and my heart.
When I saw this picture taken on Christmas day
I felt ashamed of how old I look next to these fresh little
souls. It took me several days to process
and this morning I just had to accept that I have survived
a very sad, painful and stress filled year,
if I look older than a year ago, it is no wonder.
I had to let go of my dad, my mom,
and the love and support that had been my anchor all my life,
the home I grew up in,
my hopes for reconciliation in my marriage,
the company I was part of for 20+ years,
my house of 13 years, along with accepting an aging and growing
heavier body, a tired spirit and a weary soul.
The prayers I once prayed with such fervor, I no
longer feel right in praying for surely God
must have other ways to heal than what I have asked.
The hopes I once had grow more dim as each day
goes by and looking ahead requires a faith
I often cannot achieve.
This is where I stand today, it is not what I would choose
nor what I may feel is best for me
God must feel that it is best, He must see that
this path is where I will grow less like me and more
like Him and I quote the song that Twila Paris
sang many years ago
"This is where I stand until He moves me on
and I will listen to His voice.
Could it be that He is waiting just to see
if I will learn to love the dreams
that He has dreamed for me?
Can't imagine what the future holds,
but I've already made my choice,
This is where I stand until He moves me on
and I will listen to His voice."
I felt the need today to share my "real" self
and perhaps to gain a little perspective
from the writing of it. I don't want to make
myself out to be miserable all the time
for surely this year has been joy in the midst
of it all and I have chosen joy above and
beyond all else, but this is my heart today.
Thanks for listening....